Friendship Help

Hey, you did what was appropriate by offering to help. It sounds like you had totally different expectations from what usually happens. What kind of help did you hope to render? Your friend didn't need any help, apparently, and there is no need to take that personally. She cared enough for you to ask her to be in her wedding, so she obviously values you and your friendship, but maybe she didn't need any help. For what it's worth, I didn't need any help from my bridesmaids. They came for their dress fittings, came to showers and luncheons if they could, and showed up on time for the wedding. That is all I expected of them. Well, I take that back, one of them did help me put on my lipstick as we got ready, but other than that, they didn't "help" me out. So don't take it personally if your friend took care of everything herself.

And one more thing--there is nothing more self-centered than a bride, especially one under the age of about 30. Brides consider themselves princess for a day and are really too busy to care about the feelings of others, so don't take her treatment as a brush-off. Unless she did something specific to snub you (and why she would do that if she had asked you to be in her wedding) you shouldn't consider her treatment as a brush-off. She has been very busy getting ready for the wedding, and may not have been able to meet your needs, and if she has done this before, as you mentioned in your post, maybe she is just self-centered in general. Just my opinion...

mikesgirl:

I pretty much agree with the above poster.
I doubt it was personally against you. This situation is all about the Bride, not about you or bonding with you. And it is a very stressful time for the Bride, that no one can really help her with. From what you said, it doesn't seem she wronged you.

It seems like you had unrealistic expectations of the situation. If this happened before, perhaps you are trying too hard with her. Did she ask you to take time off work, for instance? She may feel very uncomfortable that you did this without her saying she needed it.

I like your signature...why not apply it to this situation? When I got married, a friend began to feel insecure because she knew our relationship would change, and she began to pressure me to be involved with her more than I felt I could be. It really put a wedge between us until I didn't want to be around her anymore.

Marriage does change the 'single' relationships, that is a fact. She is going to be focussed on pleasing her spousal realtionship now, not her friends. She may be feeling bothered that you can't be happy for her in her moment because you are feeling a loss. If you admit you were fixed on yourself on her big day, the bad feelings will probably all disappear.

I sometimes feel insecure in relationships due to my own expectations and desires. She can't fix what you felt. That is up to you.

it seems like everyone thinks that i was being a ***** or something...I did not even tell her that I was unhappy about the situation...I understand that our relationship will change. We live 8 hours apart now anyway.

I am thinking at this point that I might not even see her again. I guess you had to be in the situation...it was quite apparent that she did not care whether I was there or not.

mikesgirl:
No, I don't think you were being a ***** or something. Just that you had expectations for yourself, and a bride just isn't there for others during her wedding celebrations. That doesn't make you bad or selfish. It doesn't make her bad or selfish either. That is all we are trying to explain to you! To expect anything from her probably was expecting too much. I speak from my experience with many different brides.

If you were expecting her attention, this may have created a strained feeling for both of you, since she knew she could not be there for you like you wanted.
That is all I am saying. I don't think this is worth throwing a relationship away. But if you find you don't really care for it, then moving on might be a good thing for you to do.

Sounds like she isn't a real friend..How could her wedding put a strain on your friendship?I always thought that friends wanted to be there for each other at a special time as getting married..

I think it is selfish of you to be thinking of her wedding in terms of how it affects you.

I just re-read my original post and it said nothing evenly obtusely about you being an a******. How did you manage to read that into what I wrote? I was just pointing out that weddings are not generally bonding experiences between bride and bridesmaids. No one is more self-centered than a bride, and if she was self-centered to begin with, then your friend was probably doubly so. If she personally snubbed YOU, then you MAY have a valid gripe, but if she was just wrapped up in what was going on, you have no right to complain that your friendship needs weren't met that day. THAT DAY was about her. When you get married, that day will be about you, and you probably won't be going around concerned about meeting everyone's needs and making sure that everyone feels warm and fuzzy. How old might you be? Just curious...

For those who wondered...I am 30...

Anyway, I was not trying to piss off anyone or make myself look bad. I did everything I thought I could to make it a great day for the bride. And if it was me getting married, I would certainly be paying attention to those around me, and their feelings. But that is the way I am. i find myself feeling like I have to defend myself here, but I don't see how I have done anything wrong. I didn't ruin her day, or anything. I didn't even say anything to her about it. She has no clue. In fact, I am very happy for her. My issue has nothing to do really with the fact that she got married. MAybe I have always been concerned about our friendship.

One point I want to make is her relationship with her maid of honor...from what she told me it was not a good one and not very supportive. (I have known her a lot longer) She even told me that I was the most supportive. But when it came down to it, she spent all of her time with the maid of honor. All I wanted was to be there for her and do whatever she needed, and I told her that. But she asked someone else. That hurt me because I knew (and I think she did too) that I cared the most. When I get married I hope that someone will be there for me like that!

I completely understand that it was her big day and that relationships change after marriage and all that. It was just something about the way that everything happened. Maybe I am not explaining it well. I don't know. But now I am rambling, and you guys are probably getting more mad at me. I guess I just don't want you to think that I am some kind of selfish brat or something. That couldn't be further from the truth.

As I write this I kind of think that this friendship may have not been meant to last anyway. Because in my heart I know that I would do a lot more for her than she would have ever done for me. Maybe that is the real reason I am so sad. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bigcry.gif

Thank you to those of you who have had the patience to read all this. I am really not a bad person. Just hurt. And no matter what the basis for the hurt is, whether it is her or just me being the way I am, it still hurts the same......K

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No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

No offense to you, but,this friend sure doesn't sound like a real friend to me.I was just talking about a friend recently and my friend even though she goes all out for me(lets me borrow money from her and does really nice things for me) she also hurts my feelings and knows it.Friends can be hurtful too.I have o.c.d. along with trichotilliamania(hairpulling) and she will tell me "eww, I just can't even look at your face, I wish you would stop doing that habit, or you need to grow back your-----, or I won't go out with you if you do that to yourself.etc." Get the picture?
I have been seriously thinking about NOT being her friend for a very long time. My feelings get terribly hurt.She is in her late thirties and you'd think that she might have grown up by this time.Incidently, she wears a canula in her nose(for air) and carries around a tank because she has a heart problem. I have always been supportive around her. I have seen her cry because someone has tripped accidently over her tubing in a bookstore or something, and I have tried to comfort her because of it.I do not care that she has to wear her tank.She needs it to survive.However, I DO mind that she is not as respectful over my problems and I have said things to her regarding this and that it really bothers me and yet she still continues to say obnoxious things to me!!
All I want to say to you is think about the kind of friendship that you ACTUALLY HAVE with this person that you care about. Maybe it isn't worth it! I mean this in a kind way.People tried to tell me this tonight, and believe me it isn't easy for me to hear either.It made me squirm,as I have known this person for twenty+ years!
That's all, and Good luck! Nightowl2

mikesgirl:

I too am wondering if you are reading our posts right.
No one said they are mad at you or that you were bad.
We realize you were feeling bad. Maybe the bride was deliberately snubbing you and did not even want you at the wedding, but you imposed yourself. We can't know, since we weren't there.

But it sounds like the Bride was trying to make you feel OK and placate your insecurities with her, by telling you she was not as close to the Maid of Honor as with you (I don't think she was right to say it).
I really doubt she chose to honor someone she doesn't care for, though.

I don't think you feel like an equal person compared to the Bride and her Maid of Honor. Feeling less than others does feel really bad...but it doesn't come from them. It already is inside of us. While others are just being themselves, some of us can't believe they really care unless they meet our very high expectations.

They may not even know what our expectations are, or they may have other plans on their minds. They may not even have a clue what we want from them. They may not be willing to give it. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't care.

Perhaps you will spend your wedding day looking out for the needs of everyone else, but that would be peculiar. I suspect that you have a hard time expressing your needs and going after what you want, and that you usually give way more than others around you, and expect the same in return.

Real love gives freely without expectation of what it gets back. Keeping accounts will destroy relationships. The best relationships are when each person allows spaces for each other to have and meet their own needs. We can't make others feel OK within themselves.

Maybe you are just tired of pursuing a friend that doesn't really pursue back. It is perfectly fine to let go of it and move on if you don't like what you get from the relationship.

Hi Mikesgirl,

I think you feel bad because you felt you were not included in one of your best friends most special days. If I were you I would also be hurt. Sounds like your friend maybe has a side to her that is a bit superficial and this being a day where outside appearance mattered, at least for her, she might have picked people not so much that she cared for, but people that tended to be a bit superficial themselves and carried a certain image that she wanted to project. Has she included you in other events that were social in nature or did she exclude you from them too, such as helping out in planning her 21st Birthday or any other birthday or event where she was the center of attraction? Maybe when she told you that she didn't really care for her maid of honor, she should have finished her statement and said but I do care about what image I give off. I could be wrong about your friend, but I know of someone like this as well. I think if you really feel hurt, you should let her know.. but I think honestly if she is this type of person you pretty much need to accept it because I don't think she will change for you. If you can't accept what she has done to you, on her wedding and in the past, then just move on. You can't change her, but you can change things about yourself- such as feeling good about yourself and not letting things like this make or break a friendship, or for that matter, yourself- think of it this way- she did not want you to be a big part of her wedding- her loss.

Weddings can be very stressful, particularly for the bride. All kinds of last-minute details, planning, hair, dresses, etc. But the wedding day is about the bride and groom. It's not a bonding experience for friends, it's a celebration of the love between a man and a woman who are about to commit to each other forever. They want to share this with their loved ones. I'm sure your friend wanted everyone at the wedding to have a good time, but a woman who is having the biggest day of her life, and has about a zillion things on her mind, and a lot of people to pay attention to, is going to be spreading herself thin at the wedding.
You complained that she spends all her time with the maid of honor. Could it be because you live 8 hours away and the maid of honor lives a little closer?

I have done a lot of thinking about what has been going on and I really do appreciate all of your replies.

I have come to the conclusion that the way I feel really doesn't have much to do with the wedding or the wedding day per se. It is about the way our friendship has always been. I have always felt like I have been willing to give much more then she was. There have been times where I have seen her treat other people in a similar fashion. She is quite immature, which I cannot blame her for, she learned to behave the way she does by watching her parents.

I am not angry with her so much anymore. But I still am not sure what to do. There are certain things I need from a relationship and I don't think that I will ever get them from her. And I don't think that I have ever had unreasonable expectations. (she never calls me when she comes around, for example, even though she always says she will) She tells me that she cares, but acts in different ways. I am not trying to badmouth her. She cannot help the way that she is.

I am not the type of person who has a million friends. So to let a friendship go is very difficult. But I don't want to feel hurt anymore either. I have not heard from her since the wedding almost 3 weeks ago. I am not surprised.

Thanks all again, I would appreciate any more insight or words you would like to give.

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No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.