Male here....needing some female type advice |
I am a 32 year old male and have been married for going on 11 years (this month will be our next anniversary)
I am having some problems that I need a females prospective on as over the last 2 years our boat has been very rocky
- First of all.....my wife is a alcoholic who will not admit she has a problem. In our younger days we both drank socially and had a good time doing it....but over the years I have pulled away from the partying scene and settled down quite a bit. I find myself doing it for 2 reasons a. I am just getting older and my priorities have changed. I would much rather spend time with my kids at home then be out shelling out money I dont have to spend on partying and b. Even if I feel like I would like to have fun every once in a while watching my wife overdo it and refuse and get extremely defenseive/offensive about it when I say something has me hating alchohol...I cannot even have a good time when I want to anymore which makes me feel bad because I feel like I am old for my age. My wife acts like there is something wrong with me. This came to a number over the last year and I basically said that if she didn't settle down a little bit I was going to leave....things got really bad for a while and have subsided a little bit as she did settle down...but the pain is still there.....
2nd question. I have been the main breadwinner for our whole marrage while my wife has worked off and on (more on nowadays) and even with that things have always been tight we have basically kept afloat while bring up to kids which are now 7 and 10. My wife is a extremely smart and likable person who does well WHEN SHE WANTS TO...problem is that has not been very often and she is more then happy working for wages that are low. The opportunity finally came for her to train to be a blackjack dealer at the Casino she works at and her employers cannot wait for her to start as they all like her and know she is a good worker. The problem is she is procrastinating. The even bigger problem to all of this is that our bills are high and the holidays are right around the corner (in my mind but I always think that way because I have to plan for my kids)
The bottom line is this. Am I crazy? All I want is for us to be happy, enjoy life, but also look to the future and make sure that things are taken care of down the road. My biggest thrill would be to get ahead finacially, make sure that the family is taken care if of and have some of the nicer things in life. My wife lives for tomorrow and despite how nicely I prod refuses to look past that.
Am I crazy...can anybody give me advice here?
wattagirl 10-03-2002, 09:58 PM proud papa-i was sort of in the same boat as you with my hubby-the party part that is-he still wanted to party after our baby was born but like you i'm over it-once in a while would be okay but it seems like you give an inch and they take a mile-so now we've decided that the partying is just all together over-it would be ok if we could do it every once in a while but we always end up fighting over him drinking too much-so i told him to either get with the program or i would leave-the only time we ever fought was when one or both of us were drinking-i don't want to tell you how to handle this-i do want to tell you that i grew up with an alcoholic father and i resented my mother for not leaving him-she needs to get help or changes need to be made-i know i've really not helped you but just wanted you to know that i feel for you and hope things get better
*OneStepCloser* 10-04-2002, 01:08 AM Proud Papa,
I can totally understand where you're coming from. I'm not married yet but I can still understand what you mean. Have you had this talk with her? I mean, telling her what you just told us? You make a lot of sense and even though a lot of people say that you should just "live for the moment", there's a lot of exceptions to the rule. You're still young. You shouldn't be feeling swamped like this. I wish I could give you some advice but unfortunately I have none right now. Sorry, but I do hope things work out for you.
Larissa
P.S.
Hey wattagirl, I'm in Tennessee, too.
Kadree 10-04-2002, 11:44 AM Proudpapa,
I can relate to how you are feeling. I too, live with someone who has many addictions and it is tearing our family apart. And he, like your wife is still in the denial stage, telling me that I have a problem. That I don't like to go out and have fun.
We are at a very bad place in our relationship right now, and I don't know if we are going to get through it. The person that I fell in love with is no longer there. Instead I feel like I am raising 3 kids instead of 2. I need a partner...someone who can do the parenting and the household stuff with me.
So, to answer your question, you have to do what is right for you and your kids. If that means leaving for a little while to show her how serious you are, then fine.
Believe in yourself, and listen to your heart.
Best Wishes
Kadree
rebecarooni 10-04-2002, 03:17 PM Kadree and Proudpapa, if you are in relationships with addicts in denial you should look into Al-Anon and check out the addiction boards. Al-Anon is very helpful. Papa, as far as her lack of incentive, it is possibly a symptom of her alcoholism. My other half is an alcoholic and has a tendancy to set himself up for failure in every job he has. And it's never his fault, it's always his boss or his co-workers etc. (YAH RIGHT) Do you handle the finances or does she? It certainly sounds like she shouldn't. ANd if she would rather go out and party than mother her children, you'll have to excuse me but, she sounds like she needs to grow up a bit.
wattagirl 10-04-2002, 11:32 PM proud papa-just wanted to check and see how you are doing-and one step closer-i'm in east tennessee-where are you
mothmin 10-05-2002, 12:30 PM Papa, I know what it's like I know a few alcoholics. It sounds like she's trying to avoid taking that job because it will cut into drinking time. It also may be worse than you think. I had a freind who would park his car down the street and drink a 6 pack, then go home to his wife, with a 6 pack in his hand, as if he had not had a drink yet, she caught him and confronted him, and he got defensive like you said. I don't know what the answer is, but you're acknowlegment of the problem is the first step... good luck.
MelNor 10-05-2002, 01:39 PM Proud Papa-Our stories are so similar it is almost scary!! It is so hard when you love someone so much and you have to sit by and watch them self destruct.
One thing you have to remember is that "YOU" are not the one in the wrong. You should never feel old or ashamed or wrong by wanting to be financially ahead and responsible for your life. You really have a great head on your shoulders and you should be proud of yourself regardless of her immaturity.
As for suggestions about what to do...the only thing I can suggest is to give her the final choice. Ask her does she want to spend her life drinking and partying or would she prefer to have a happy marriage and raise her children. Drunks tend to think they can have it both ways unless someone (and in this case I believe it has to be you) sets them straight. One thing I have learned through my husbands drinking is that the drinking is not usually the real problem. There is usually some underlying problem and alcohol is a mask. Maybe you could get her to admit to that instead of the actual alcoholism and then get help with whatever the real problem may be. Possibly it would cure the alcoholism as well by dealing with another possible issue. Just some ideas.
Regretably, this didn't work for me and my hubby but I do know some people it has worked for, so I wish you and her to be a couple it will work for.
Bless you and take care of those 2 little angels you have!
Mel
mydog8mybrain 10-05-2002, 10:34 PM Look in the phone book. Find an Al-Anon listing in your area and call it. Try 6 meetings if you can. (I know it will be hard with kiddos and all). YOu can find much help there.
Good luck.
Bruce
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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.
robin25 12-15-2002, 07:10 PM send that message to her , hontestly she going to have to want to stop drinking and want her family and if she doesnt come to that you need to do what is best for you and your two kids do you think if you left the kids would go with you . you can make it . theres people out there doing it by them selfs everyday with kids just hang in there and hope and prayshe wakes up before its to late
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robin rogers
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