Mixed feelings about what is expected |
I have been seperated from my 9 year old daughter's father for several years. He lives about 40 hours drive from here. He was ordered to pay child support 7 years ago but has never done it once. I have not pushed the issue because he is physco and he would be saying stuff to her about it and it is just not worth it. Three years ago was the last time she asked him for anything, it was $20 for swim lessons she wanted to take through her school. He told her "tell your mother to sell her behind for it!!" I figure he has a responsibility to help pay for her and I shouldn't have to fight him for it and after that comment I just don't put her in a position where he can say these things to her anymore. But, he chooses not to. He does not even send her Xmas or Birthday gifts. I am by no means rich but I am able to provide for her without him and the harrasment of it.
My problem is with issues such as school pictures and presents she wants to send to him for Xmas and Birthdays and stuff. It angers me that I have to spend an extra $40 at picture time to get enough pictures to send him and his family when he is so unwilling to give anything for her. Also, she wants to send him gifts for father's day, birthdays, and Xmas. Obviously, the money comes from me for these things as well. I guess I do these things because it makes her happy.
She has not seen him for almost 3 years because of legal complications he created by abducting her and trying to run away and I have sole custody.
My friends and family all say I am crazy and I shouldn't do these things that will benefit him. I really don't see it that way, I see it as doing it for her.
Please tell me what you think...what would you do??
Mel
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Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Greenberry 10-10-2002, 07:09 PM Keep doing it, because it further emphasizes the fact that you are the good guy. She will probably one day figure out what's going on, if she hasn't already, and will realize how hard you tried to keep their relationship going smoothly despite the fact that he is a jerk. I know it is hard to put up with crap like that, but you are not doing it for him (how does a $10 present for his birthday really benefit HIM, anyway?) but you are doing it for her. It sounds to me like you are doing the exact right thing! I would probably do the exact same thing, except I would still keep fighting for the support to which your daughter is entitled. She must talk to him on the phone because you said that she hasn't seen him, and if he gets rude to her, you could always cut that off too. Just an idea...
MelNor 10-10-2002, 07:21 PM Yeah that is what I think too. I guess the people close to me just get frustrated seeing him hurt her over and over with his childish ways.
Your right...she is aware of it already and she talks to me about it and she know is it not right.
I have never discussed child support with or around her and just this year she asked me about it cause she heard some kids at school talking about buying new clothes when their dad sent the child support!! I though OMG, what is this world coming too! LOL Anyway, she was kinda looking at me like "what do YOU spend my child support on" At that point I thought it was appropriate to explain to her that there was none. It made her cry, at first I thought it was cause she didn't get the money so of course being a guilt ridden mother of seperation, I said "oh honey, it's ok, if you have out grown clothes and NEED some, I'll buy you them...it's ok." She just said "no Mommy, clothes are just things...but don't he care if I have food?" It broke my heart but what do u do???
Yet she wants to please him (in his mind at least) despite the way he behaves, but he IS her father. Its such a sinful thing to do to a child.
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Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Greenberry 10-11-2002, 08:10 AM This is a pretty sad situation...How did you respond to her questions about child support? If it was me, I would have said something like "not everyone has the same capacity to show love and thoughtfulness, but all fathers and mothers do love their children even if they don't always show it." Something like that would let her know that the problem does not lie with her, but with her father, and doesn't make her feel less worthy. Keep trying to emphasize that. And you really should think about pressing for support. I think that all children should get supported by both parents. Even if you don't need it for day to day stuff, you put it aside for college or her wedding or some other big future purpose. Please forgive my presuming to say this to you, but it is your responsibility (as the better parent) to make sure that your daughter gets what she deserves from the crappy parent. Don't let him slide.
And one more thing, parents who involve their children in child support discussions are despicable! I've heard cases of mothers getting their children to call their fathers and ask where the money is and other such inappropriate activities, and it is horrible to see children put in the middle. What is with parents today???
Lady^ 10-11-2002, 09:22 AM Ok, how about this senario? My husband gets a call a few weeks ago from his parents. His son's mother got locked up and they want to know where the support check is so they can use it for BAIL! Is that disgusting, or what? The support is garnished from his wages in any event so they'll just have to wait and let her butt stay in jail I guess. But I was so infuriated.
Anyhow, I think that for now you should continue to send pictures, gifts, etc to your ex as long as you can afford it. This is obviously something your daughter wants or needs to do. However, she is old enough to perhaps start earning some money from you to purchase these items for her father. Talk to her and see if she would be willing to do some extra chores around the house in order to pay for a gift for him. This will help teach her responsibility and may also make her think about her relationship (or lack of) with her father and if she wants to continue such a one-sided relationship.
I also agree that you should be getting support from her father even if you are able to care for her yourself. My husband was late with his support one time and they immediately started garnishing his wages for it instead. Seems like there must be some way for you to get the money for your little girl.
rebecarooni 10-11-2002, 11:47 AM It doesn't benefit him, it benefits your daughter. It's all about her. I loathe my exhusband to the nnth degree and wouldn't spit on him if he were on fire. However, my son still loves his father and even though I haven't seen a dime of child support, I still buy the pictures cards and small gifts that my son (he's 5) wants to give his dad. I figure when my son is old enough to see the situation with his head and not his heart, he'll figure out the truth. Your daughter needs this from you right now and as much as it bugs you to do it, do it for her sake.
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