Why can't I allow myself to be happy? |
Hi All,
What is my problem??? I really need an outside perspective on my innermost feelings....is there a problem with me or with my relationship??
Here is my life in the biggest nutshell I can explain: I have been dating the same guy for the past three years. Although we are two years apart, we met in college when I was a junior and he was a freshman. Currently he is a senior and I am in my second year as a teacher.
When we met, I was best friends with an absolutely gorgeous guy who I did everything with. Our relationship was platonic, but we spent every waking minute together and our feelings for each other were intense. We probably would have dated, except I was trying to do the long-distance thing with my high school boyfriend of two years. Needless to say, that didn't work out and I went into my junior year single.
In any case, I was still best friends with this other guy when my current boyfriend entered the picture. Pretty soon the three of us were always hanging out, and over time I started to have feelings for the new kid. Thus entered the worst few months of my life. My old best friend got incredibly jealous, and I just figured it was because he was worried about losing me as a friend. One night he came over crying, and told me he wanted to marry me and that he was in love with me and he didn't want to lose me to someone new. I had the hardest time knowing what to do...I really was falling hard for the new guy, but this was my best friend who everything seemed so natural with. Well, when I ended up telling both guys I wanted to be friends, my former best friend started getting psycho and I had to break the friendship off altogether. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. And, once he was out of the picture, things naturally worked out with the other guy and we have been together ever since.
The problem? Well, after a year and a half my old best friend wrote me an e-mail wanting to put it all behind us. I forgave him instantly....we had such a magical friendship and he was over the whole thing, I was glad to reconcile. We've been out a few times since then, though we don't hang out as friends anymore.
Anyway, sometimes (and I HATE myself for feeling this way) I get this little nagging doubt that I made the wrong choice. Don't get me wrong, I love my current boyfriend. We have a great time when we are together, and are the greatest of friends. My problem is that he refuses to talk about getting married. He wants us to move in together next year and says he wants to get married down the road, but that he doesn't want to think about it yet. He's only 21, but it hurts me that he won't even consider making a commitment like that after being together for so long.
Other then that, things are fine with us. I guess I'm just looking to fill some void in myself, and I'm wondering if maybe it's that I chose the wrong guy three years ago or if I'm trying to create a problem where there really isn't one. I have a great job, and a boyfriend who is my best friend and who treats me like a princess. What am I missing that's making me feel so empty? Why do I assume that if I was with this other guy that I would be married and happy and totally whole? I have wonderful self esteem and a perfect life. What is it that I'm searching for?
If anyone has any advice or has felt empty despite having everything you could possibly want, please let me know what's wrong with me!! I've spent so much time wondering if it's him...but when I look at it all on here, I think that he and I are just fine. It's a lack of something else in my life, and I can't figure out what it is. Any suggestions??
Thanks!
DanielleMarie79 10-07-2002, 08:38 PM Hi EddieDean,
Do you have any religious background or knowledge of the bible?
magee 10-08-2002, 01:36 AM It sounds to me like you think you need to be married to be "totally whole". The health of the relationship is more important than if you're legally married. At 21, I think your current boyfriend is wise to want to put off marriage for while. I was married at 21, the groom was 23, we were FAR too young.
Your boyfriend makes you happy, you think the ex could have too. Ask yourself, if I had a real problem, who would I rather go to for moral support?
lfantell 10-08-2002, 08:14 AM No one else can make you happy. It took me 36 yrs to really understand that. Happiness comes from being content with yourself. True, someone else can make you feel happy for awhile, but unless you are content in your own skin, it isn't going to last.
And about being married, I am divorced, have been for 5 years. I spent over 3 years in a relationship with someone who I cared about deeply, but he never wanted to marry again. It was fine when I didn't think I wanted to be married. But I realized one day that I do want to get married again. I had to end the relationship because it could go no further. We tried living together and it didn't work (lasted a month). For me, spending an evening here and there together for the rest of our lives, wasnt' going to be enough.
I have been with my current boyfriend for 5 months now and at some point, I have to have the discussion with him if he ever wants to be married again. I love this man, but if he says no, marriage is out of the question, we are going to have to go our separate ways.
Only you can decide what is right for you.
EddieDean 10-08-2002, 04:07 PM You all make good points.
Whoever commented that 21/23 is too young to be married, it really helped a lot to hear that. I guess I see all my friends getting married and I am the ONLY teacher at my school who isn't, even though some of the others are my age. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me that he isn't ready to get married yet, especially when we've been together such a long time. I guess I also want to get married for stability. With leaving high school to adjust to college, then leaving college to adjust to the working world, my life has been one change after another. I'm ready to know that I'm with the right guy and for my life to stable out a bit. That having been said, those are NOT good reasons to marry someone.
The thing is, I don't even believe that marriage will bring me the ultimate fulfillment that I'm hoping for. What really made me feel whole was being with him and all my friends at college...surrounded by that surreal world of staying up and waking up late, living with my closest friends and having the excitement and drama of college life. I think that's why I reminisce about my old friend...because he was a part of my life during the best years I've had, and I wish I could go back and be there again, not necessarily dating him, but at that time of my life where so many adventures were just beginning.
As for religion, I believe in God but not in Christianity. I believe in loving people for the purity of their hearts, and am a total liberal which conflicts with everything I was taught in church. I actually feel pretty secure in my relationship with God...which is part of the reason why this emptiness and restlessness in my life is so confusing.
Anyway, thanks for the advice and for reading my post. Any further help is welcomed!! I just felt like I needed a totally outside opinion on this, from people who might have felt the same way or who could look at my life through untinted glasses and give me the honest scoop. Thanks so much!
DanielleMarie79 10-08-2002, 09:01 PM [QUOTE]Originally posted by EddieDean:
As for religion, I believe in God but not in Christianity. I believe in loving people for the purity of their hearts, and am a total liberal which conflicts with everything I was taught in church. I actually feel pretty secure in my relationship with God...which is part of the reason why this emptiness and restlessness in my life is so confusing.
What exactly were you taught in church? What you have said above makes me wonder if you feel secure in your relationship with God then you wouldn't feel this way?
EddieDean 10-08-2002, 09:55 PM I was raised Lutheran, and attended services that were all extremely repetitive and bland. I can still hear the monotone voices of the congregation reciting things week after week.....I'm not sure if anyone actually thought about what they were saying.
I'm not condemning religion, but a few years ago I decided to stop pretending that it all was working for me. I would go to church and recite the same things over and over, and discovered that my beliefs were totally against everything the Bible was saying. For example, I don't see anything immoral about homosexuality. I think some people are just born differently and we shouldn't force them to be something they aren't. I also have a hard time forcing myself to believe that if I don't think there was a guy named Jesus 2000 years ago who died on the cross that I'm going to hell. To me that's as basic as saying "if you don't believe this font is black then you are going to hell." Even though it may be a true fact, I am too emotional of a person to believe that a single fact can dictate whether or not you spend of the rest of your life in hell. What about people who live good lives and care about others and never learn about Jesus? Are they condemned to hell? Believe what you may, but I personally find spiritual happiness in being surrounded by friends, doing things to help others, and spending time outside. That is when I have religious moments. Perhaps that's my problem...now that I am away from college I no longer have the time or friends nearby to take late night walks in the rain or talk about why God put us here. Those were the most spiritual moments in my life, and now I seldom have them because I am separated from that situation.
I would love nothing more then to find a church that doesn't base services entirely around Jesus and the Bible, but rather on spiritual fulfillment through living a good life. If there is such a place, please let me know!
I apologize for straying off the relationship topic, but perhaps it's not the relationship I need to look at but my own outlet for spiritual fulfillment. Maybe my problem is that I have been relying too heavily on others (my boyfriend, for example) to fulfill my spiritual needs when I really need a group of people that I can talk to about my thoughts. Thanks much to all for your words of advice.
DanielleMarie79 10-09-2002, 11:24 PM sorry--double post, disregard--puter problems =P
[This message has been edited by DanielleMarie79 (edited 10-09-2002).]
DanielleMarie79 10-09-2002, 11:29 PM Hi EddieDean,
Thank you for your response, I was interested to hear about that part of your life.
Here's what I believe: God is love. When you were surrounded by love, that's when you were happiest. But times and situations change and relationships are not guaranteed, except...our relationship with God can be guaranteed and I believe that He can fill that void in your heart.
I would encourage you not to think about all of those "rules and regulations" that most religion purports. This could be a challenge, since you were ingrained with a lot of that growing up.
Instead, think about the relationship you have with God, the fulfilling one that you would like to have and know that He loves you more than you could ever know! Just ask Him to show you that love. You have nothing to lose, right?
EddieDean 10-12-2002, 03:40 PM Danielle.....thanks so much for your kind and encouraging words! I will take what you said to heart and will do my best to follow through with your advice. Thanks!
sherrie 10-12-2002, 05:04 PM Hi EddieDean,
It sounds like you really miss college life and I think everyone does.. those were also the best years of my life as well. However life goes on and I don't think we can ever relive the years that we left behind but they are always there in our memories and we can draw on them whenever life gets too hard. I think the key to finding spiritual "enlightment" is just realising that every stage of our lives will be different than the one before it and just to go with the flow of life and create more magical moments that may not be the same as the ones we had earlier on, but they can be as equally forfilling- and sometimes keeping friends that we had when in college can help. You just graduated so you still are very reminscent of college and all the magical moments..but I think with time you will be able to create more new magical moments for yourself... I don't think that getting married is the answer either because marriage should not be about trying to fill a void in your life but rather taking that leap into the next stage of life.
DanielleMarie79 10-14-2002, 10:25 PM Very welcome, my pleasure ED! I have been praying for you, if you can let us know how you are doing.
EddieDean 10-15-2002, 04:48 PM Originally posted by sherrie:
I don't think that getting married is the answer either because marriage should not be about trying to fill a void in your life but rather taking that leap into the next stage of life.
Thanks for replying, Sherrie.....everything you said also rang true with me. It was such a good time of my life, but it's OVER now and I can't go back there no matter who I'm with or what I do. I keep reminding myself of how hard it was for me to leave high school, too, and how the longing for those times passed after awhile. I have really fond memories of high school and even miss that sometimes....I guess I'm one of those people who can't help but live in the past a little. That being said, I still have a fantastic life around me, and I'm creating new, wonderful memories all the time. Perhaps I've been thinking/dreaming about this other guy because he was a huge part of my college life, and I'm not struggling with wanting to be with him as much as I'm struggling with wanting to be back in college. Sorting that out in my mind has really put it at ease.
As far as getting married, I think the confusing part is that I AM ready to move on to that stage in my life. I've been out of college for a year and a half now and know what I'm doing for a career. I feel ready to move away from home and get married, specifically to this guy who really is a fantastic, loving person who every day does better and better in showing me how much he cares. However, he's still IN college, and I have to remember that he's where I was two years ago, except he's looking at grad schools so it may be awhile before he wants to settle down. I have to remind myself that it doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry me *someday*, he's already made clear he does, he just wants to wait until the time is right for him. I'm going to have to work hard to realize that we are in two different stages of our life, even only two years apart, and hope that time settles things out. Thanks all for listening!
robin25 12-19-2002, 05:19 PM forever i thought sleeping with people would feel that somthing thats missing in my heart, but all it got me was a name and more hurt and more of the lost feelings as a girl girl i was alwayed pushed away and i think iam always needing to know some one loves me and god do i know they dont love me ( the guys i slept with) i thought if i did sleep with them i would feel better i didnt just worse. and when i find someone that really loves me i seem to push them away cause i dont believe they really love me, it sucks cause iam losing a good man over my terrible inserurities i hate it if you have any advice please let me know
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robin rogers
Jaxxx 12-19-2002, 11:49 PM Hi EddieDean,
Im kind of in a similar situation to yourself. Ive been with my current boyfriend for 7 years now, we met at school. Im 23, hes almost 24 (so we're basically the same age!! heh) We've been living together for about 3 years now. Ive hinted at marriage, he's kind of not responded. I asked him about it. He said, hes not ready - he feels to young to get married. He treats me well, he loves me, hes committed. I guess its wise to wait.
I think living together first is definatly a good idea. I was raised a catholic, so I had huge issues with it at first, you know guilt guilt guilt. But despite us practically being glued to the hip before we moved intogether, when we moved in, it was wierd. Theres like all those habits of the other person that you have to get used to (and I thought I knew him soo well!! heheh).
I dont have any answers (i never do!!) but I think when the time is right for both of you, he'll ask you. I mean he is committed. You've been together for 3 years. He wants to move in with you. It'll happen. You said hes still in college, maybe he wants to finish college, and get a job and get a bit more settled for himself. maybe?
as for you ex, i think we all have those moments when we question "what if..." Try not to waste too much energy on the what ifs...and focus on the what is...I think things happen for a reason...
anyway, good luck.
Kerry
http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
ravekane 12-20-2002, 06:09 AM Hi,
I think that your missing your college life and feel like the next step is marriage. Its nice how some people's lives just fall into place like that. Are you feeling pressure because other's around you are all married?
Don't forget he's 21 and your 23. He's where you were 2 yrs ago, he's enjoying his youth. I think people that get married later in life have better sucess at it. When your age your just discovering who you are, what you want from life. He's doing the same thing. I would just try to see the EX adn see how things go, mabye he wants to get married and wants what you want?
If this guy is going to grad school then I would say you won't be getting hitched for a few more yrs. Probably around 28 yrs old. Usually people want to finish their education before taking a trip down the isle.
Why don't you go to grad school if you miss the college atmosphere so much?
there is more to getting married than I think you realize, like marriage is another job. Comon be realistic here he's 21 your 23, he's into the age where he's finding about himself, partying, books, girls, yOU think he's really to walk down the isel? Yeah your dreamin!! How is he going to support you if he's still in school? I think you need someone older and wiser, with a bigger bank account.
autumnleaves 12-20-2002, 09:45 AM Normally I wouldn't respond to one of these messages but something you said in your initial post caught me. I think your instinct about your old best friend was probably right on the money. If somebody goes psycho and gets so insecure that it causes that behavior I think you were right to put it behind you. Somebody like that scares me...you never know when they can and will snap again. Too many nuts out there.
MonsterBiceps 12-20-2002, 10:12 AM I didn't get a chance to read all the replies, but I just wanted to say that even though he is only 21 years old and too young to be married, he is NOT too young to think about getting married. He does need to decide whether or not the relationship is heading toward marriage.
I could see him not wanting to get engaged yet as he probably can't afford a ring, and probably wants to have a good job lined up first. However, you need to determine how seriously he is taking the relationship.
*SoccerMom* 12-20-2002, 08:55 PM Hi EddieDean~
I have felt the same way that you are feeling in SO many stages in my life! I remember the feeling of graduation (some friends marrying beginning families), college and working......there are so many stages in our lives and it really feels strange when our friends are on different stages then we are. It is almost like we feel this need to follow along with what they are doing at times...although everyone is moving in all different ways. You can expect to feel a lot of the emptiness that you are feeling...really!I agree with the post about religion too though since I had a nagging feeling that "something" was missing until I became dedicated to my faith. That is a personal thing that you will feel lead by though through prayer and studying your Bible.
Concerning your boyfriend, I think you should talk to him about your feelings about the future. You may tell him that you are really beginning to have the desire to begin another stage of your life. It may be difficult to talk about but YOU know what you need to make YOU happy. He may be worried about the commitment part,the money part or feel that he would like to wait until he is finished college. I personally have the motto to live for today because you never know what tomorrow will hold.......talk about what is important to each of you. You could suggest setting a date for after his graduation, talk about getting married before his graduation or all other sorts of things. You just think about what it would take to make you happy and hopefully, he will want some of the same things.
I apologize for the long post. I always read your posts and love to hear your knowledgable replies. Your opinions are always great so I know that if you think about what makes you happy, it will all work out! Good Luck!
EddieDean 12-21-2002, 12:03 PM Wow! I haven't been on these boards for a week or so because this was my busiest week at school (try organizing a Christmas program with 90 third graders and you'll know what I mean). I was shocked to come back on here and see all the responses to my post from October! Thanks so much to all who responded...I read each and every comment and took them all to heart.
I actually brought it up to him about a month ago....it took a lot of guts to actually come out and ask him about it, but we had a great talk. He told me that being in undergrad makes it hard to think about getting married, because he's surrounded by people that are just out of high school. He has NEVER been the drinking/partying type (I know this because we've been together all his years at college)and he's very mature, but I think he sees that no one around him is married and would feel really weird thinking about that now. If I really am honest with myself, I don't exactly think I was ready to get married my senior year in college either. It wasn't until I got a job that I felt like "okay, now what?"
Whoever asked about being surrounded by married people...YES I AM! The ONE teacher at my school who is not married just got engaged two days ago, so I'm the ONLY one who isn't hitched and I'm not the youngest teacher, either. It's so frustrating to be the "spinster" of the school, and to see all my friends with their husbands at the Christmas party when I'm the only one not married. I guess it's also a little embarassing to have kids ask me who he is (like at my Christmas program....when the kids asked who he was I told them he was a friend of mine because I didn't know if it was appropriate to tell them I have a 'boyfriend.'). Plus, when we live together next year I'm worried that the school will look down on that. I feel that being engaged would be much more acceptable in the eyes of the administration and parents.....especially living in the conservative area that I do.
In any case, I feel pretty good about the situation at the moment. He told me that he has never loved anyone as much as me and that I am the center of his world, and he did mean it. He told me that he knows we will get married, he just doesn't feel ready while in undergrad. I really think when he's around lots of people that are married at grad school that he will change his tune...I guess being around married people is what made me feel different in the first place.
I think part of my unhappiness is restlessness.....living at home still, working the same routine every day, being with the same guy and having everything stay exactly the same without moving forward. I am going to start taking some dance classes and perhaps try out for a play or two...I think meeting some new people and breaking out of my routine will stop me from finding problems in a fantastic relationship. Does that make sense?
Thanks again to ALL of you for your support....I can relate to so many of you and it is wonderful to have this network for understanding and ideas!
Autumn Angel 12-21-2002, 01:28 PM Ummm security? that could be what your searching for maybe as marriage to some is security and a future. You have everything you want you say except the future commitment you want. We most times mature faster than men and at 21 hes probably a little scared of committing for life. Don't take it personally though fear of a lifetime commitment doesnt mean he doesnt love you and think the world of you. I would think real hard about what you feel is missing in your relationship now that you feel your former best friend can give you. Remember you said before he went kinda psycho when you said no to him before that shows me he has a temper and if you were to marry him who knows when that temper would surface. If you would like to chat further just post here and I will get back to you.
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Cheers
Autumn
EddieDean 12-22-2002, 03:02 PM For the record, I don't think my former best friend is dangerous or anything. For a little while I DID consider getting a restraining order because of some of the things he would pull...showing up at my dorm room screaming what a ***** I was, sending me harassing e-mails and instant messanges from unidentified log-on names, and he even threatened to press charges against me for something EXTREMELY stupid. Looking back, though, I think he was just extremely desparate and extremely hurt. He didn't know how to handle the pain he was feeling and he did some really dumb things. It took him a year, but he DID apologize for all the horrible things he did and now we go out occasionally. I've met him for lunch a few times and we talk just like the good old days....I really do miss having him around as a friend, but he's away at grad school now and I think it's better for both of us that we don't spend too much time together as not to bring up those old issues.
That was seriously the worst time of my life, and it's foolish for me to ever have even considered that he might have been the right choice for me. For as close as we were, I never loved him the same way I do as my current boyfriend. I think that sometimes I just see how sure my friend was about being with me, and when my boyfriend seems distant or hesitant to talk about getting married, it makes me wish that he had that same determination and passion for me. He DOES have it, just sometimes he's not as good at showing it.
I made the right choice, but it's easy to look back and miss the great friends and times that I had in college. Everyone needs to move on, and I guess this is my time to face that I am an adult and those good old days are over!
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