Big decision |
Hello,
I'm currently with a gf and have been for about 4 years now. We had alot of confilicts, but they all seemed to get resolved....usually by me agreeing with her to avoid more arguments. We recently got engaged (just before XMAS). The past few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I've just now started realizing that this is what I'll be dealing with the rest of my life! At first, I thought I was just getting nervous, but these feelings just won't go away. To make things worse (or better depending on how you look at it), I've been thinking of someone else alot too. Whenever I think of my future, I always see this woman in it....and not my current gf! On top of this, I know she's interested in me, but is not admitting it or trying to get me to leave this other girl. I have the utmost respect for her because of this. At first, I considered her almost like a sister in that we shared so much with each other. We talked about things that neither one of us would tell a significant other. But I've always felt that everyone has ghosts in the closet, and the past is the past and should remain that way. She agreed with this as well. All signs seem to point to this other girl. We have the same interests, beliefs, and life goals. My current gf does not share my beliefs on alot of subjects, we have no interests in common, but we do have life goals simialiar. Are life goals enough reason to stay with someone? I know it all comes down to what I feel is best, but I would like other's perspectives on this situation.
Thanks,
VC
I'm thinking that I should take some time to myself (alone...nobody). I really do love this girl, but maybe it's just a result of 4 years? Will I end up wondering what if's in about 5 years? Is it better to take some time to myself now, instead of possibly having things blow up later? She's cheated on me a few times, and she's always said never again......but never always comes too soon.
promisez 02-08-2004, 05:35 PM One definition I have of insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results. She's cheated on you numerous times while in the relationship, do you really expect her to change? I for one base a relationship on trust and unconditional love. Even without the trust any relationship is doomed to failure. I took a year for myself after my divorce just to make sure when and if I do go into another relationship I will do it for the right reasons, not as a rebound effect. Taking the time, talking with friends (not the ones involved or planned on being involved with) can be a blessing.
very_confused 02-08-2004, 06:39 PM Yeah...trust. I've been struggling with this for a while. Does love outway trust? She says everytime that it'll never happen again.... And the other one, she's always been up front with me on everything....whether I like it or not....but I do feel I can trust this one. Maybe I do need some time to myself. Even if it's for a few months....is it wrong for me to ask for some time off after proposing to someone? Will she realize things if I'm not there? 4 years is alot to throw away for something that may or may not materialize. I realize that it's not as tough as your situation (which I admire you for). I do know that this other girl would not be a rebound girl. I've sort of had some feelings for her for quite some time now, but have always dismissed them as being an infactuation rather then anything else. I can't count how many times I've woken up in a cold sweat after having visions for standing at the alter with this other girl......while my GF lays beside me!
promisez 02-08-2004, 08:33 PM I can't count how many times I've woken up in a cold sweat after having visions for standing at the alter with this other girl......while my GF lays beside me!
For me yes, trust is a major issue. Also, you're not being very honest having these thoughts about someone else while you are with her. The three women I have had the honour of being in my life so far all would have known what I was thinking if I had any stray thoughts or I wasn't honest with them so it's a good bet your gf knows or is at least aware of your thoughts. Still, it's not fair to your gf to be thinking of someone else while you are with her. :nono:
Whether this other person is "the one" or not, one thing seems clear: Your fiancee is not "the one". There are too many things stacked against you: the beliefs, the trust issue, the life's goal's. Whatever you might make of your dreams, they are ways of getting insight into your deepest parts. I think this other woman might symbolize all other women who might be a better fit for you rather than your current relationship.
I do think it is honorable for you to take time to be reflective and sort through these things, and it should probably happen soon. If you haven't tried it before, write down all the things you'd like/need to have in a soulmate and really evaluate whether fiancee meets those criteria. Then, have a rational discussion (as much as they can be) with her about your thoughts.
There is a lot of real love in your future with a special person. Find yourself, then go find her.
God bless, Marj
very_confused 02-09-2004, 12:14 AM Yeah, the beliefs and future plans are huge. We have been talking alot about this. Just for something to do, me and this other girl did just what you suggested. We each took a piece of paper and without the other knowing what, wrote down what we were looking for. The key items that matched were: Trust, Love, Respect for each other, and financial success. It was almost scarey when we compared them. As far as rational goes, it's hard to have a rational conversation with someone who doesn't share your thoughts. I really think that time off would be the best bet, but how do you tell someone that you want the time. The first thing they'd think would be another woman.....which is what I'd think if she did the same (and she has).
No, I'm not being totally honest about some things, but they're visions and not reality. If I slept with this other woman, then I would have to confess. Sometimes I think that may be the best approach, but that would just make things alot worse and I honestly couldn't bring myself to do something like that.
This other girl enjoys everything I do...or so she says. Sports, games, sociable drinking, etc... The only thing I'm not into is the ballet..... :yawn:
It's funny how one day you're thinking, "What pub are the guys going to tonight?", and the next you're thinking, "If I don't go out tonight, I can start saving for a down payment on a house....".
Anyways, you've both given me suggestions to my situation, and they both appear to be the right thing. It's just really hard after 4 years, but better now then later I guess.
Thanks,
VC
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