Committment issues - help

I was married for 21 years, to a man who didn't treat me very well, to make a long story short, before separating 1 year ago. I have been seeing a very nice man, who is 3 years younger than me at 42, for the past 9 months. He has never been married, and has not dated or had a relationship for several years. He basically likes to keep busy by working, and had not been looking for a girlfriend. I asked him out, and it went from there. We are not living together, but spend most of our time together, including sleeping over on weekends. He said last fall that he would move in with me in the spring, however he has since changed his mind, and said he may not move in until after my daughter leaves home, which is in 2 - 3 years. He and my daughter get along fine, so it's not that she is a problem. He says he just likes sleeping alone and coming and going when he wants, as he is basically a loner. I can't see how that will change in 2 years, and he knows I am very disappointed. I don't want to "date" for 2 years, and I hate it when he goes home almost every night. Should I go along with him and just take things easy for a few years, and not live together? I love him and want to be with him, and I want him to live with me. He says he won't do anything that doesn't feel right, and I don't want that either. Sometimes I think he wants my company, etc., but will never make a commitment to me. I'd like another perspective, please, as I don't know what to think now.

I think you hit the nail on the head in the header. Why would you settle for live-in status anyway? He does not sound like the marrying kind. I think you should give yourself a break. You basically just came out of a long emotionally draining relationship to another drain. I think you should move on. You need him more then he wants you to. You have absolutely nothing to lose by calling it as you see it and telling him what you want out of life. I think you are emotionally attached to him and it is not recipricated. If his dreams for future does not coincide with yours or involve you-SeyLaV.

I think you are falling into another relationship with an emotionally unavailable person. It comes in different forms. If your exhusband did not treat you well I think you need time to gather yourself emotionally. Do you know what you want from a mate? What you expect from a mate? Do you have expectations at all?

Actually, at this point I have no desire to get married again. We had a talk last night, and he said that maybe he is afraid of committment (he brought it up), and that he has trouble making decisions like this. He also said that it is not fair of him to keep me on a string if he ultimately won't committ. I told him he is the only one that can decide which way he wants to go, and if he really wants to be alone the rest of his life. I know that he loves me, and at this point I have to have a little faith that he will decide in my favour. I'm definitely not ready to give him an ultimatum just yet.

I see what you mean about me going after someone who is maybe emotionally unavailable, like my husband was. I never thought of it that way. Thanks.

Relationships evolve one way or another eventually...I meant no disrespect. I was concerned that it was a pattern. I'm sure he's a great guy. I don't want to see you where you were already, you know the history repeats thing...that's all. Sometimes if we don't get or are missing what we need, we look for it in the people who can't give it because it's old shoe familiar...Like the distant, reserved, cool, father who has a daughter who is with a man who is the same as he but does not receive from him what she has always wanted from him but fell short on delivering in simple loveingness.
That may not be the case - you know what I mean.
I wish you all the happiness you can tolerate :angel: