Dating someone but I'm confused...

Hello - I'm new to this board -- I'm so confused I really need some input...
I'm a divorced (3years) mom and last fall I ended a post divorce relationship I was in for 2 years. I was happy and I was single again. I was asked out by a man, and I said okay. He just got divorced in late Oct. I started to date him -- but the thing with him is I will see him, then not hear from him for 4 or 5 days. He's been like this from the start. When I do see him, he's attentive and funny and caring! But it bothers me that I only see him once a week -- and usually it's on a weeknight and we have great sex. I asked him if I were serious to him, and he told me he wanted to take it slow, he's still dealing with his feelings towards his ex wife. (he was dumped by her) and he wasn't seeing anyone else...but now that we've been going through this for 3 months, i'm beginning to have stronger feelings for him. I don't have my kids this weekend, so here I am all alone and depressed thinking about him. I have dated a few times during all of this i've met on a dating service, but i haven't met anyone else I like. Do you think I should tell him to call me when and if he decides to get serious and wants to spend time with me like a real relationship, or just keep what i'm doing, and date other people? I just don't want to spend another weekend crying...

Diamond ((hugs))

I am sorry you're hurting right now. When you're starting to fall for someone, it is hard to feel you're not receiving the emotional/mental intimacy. And since you two only see each other once a week, I am sure it is hard for him to provide that for you.

I am not an expert by no means, but since he just went through a divorce last October, he could be on the rebound. He has told you that he is still trying to get over his ex. And this is not fair to you. When you're dating, healthy relationships form when two people are in it together fully. He should take time to get over his ex, before involving another woman into his life.

In my opinion, since he can't give you what you need at this time. Perhaps, you should continue dating other men. It doesn't mean you two can't be friends with one another, but until he tosses his old baggage, it's not going to be fair to you.

Plus, just a thought. Having physicial intimacy with a man usually connects/bonds women with thier mate. So, while you're becoming attached to him, he isn't neccasairly providing anything back. If it were me, I would wait to be in a committed relationship before allowing myself to give the emotionally/physically/mentally aspect to an unattached man.

Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling so attached to the Unavailable Man. If I were you, I'd not only date other guys I'd also "be busy" sometimes when this guy is expecting you to be with him. I'd not dump him entirely if only for the reason that it would be too tough on you. I'd simply date him occasionally, do my very best not to be intimate (I know that's a problem) and actively seek out other dates. And they'd not have to be dates with a possible "Mr Right" either. Just other men to keep you occupied and give this other man breathing room. He really needs his space now and I fully understand that.
Maybe, just maybe he'll miss you. Good Luck

Thank you -- that made so much sense.....and you are so right. I wish now I had waited on the intimate part -- I must have jumped in with that too fast..
I am going to continue dating I think, and I do think he needs time. Do you think I should tell him that I think we should just be friends until he feels he's ready for a more committed relationship? I know it's going to hurt, but it really isn't healthy for me to feel like this and I don't want to lose him, but I don't want things the way they are now either ....i'm so glad I came here...




Diamond ((hugs))





I am sorry you're hurting right now. When you're starting to fall for someone, it is hard to feel you're not receiving the emotional/mental intimacy. And since you two only see each other once a week, I am sure it is hard for him to provide that for you.

I am not an expert by no means, but since he just went through a divorce last October, he could be on the rebound. He has told you that he is still trying to get over his ex. And this is not fair to you. When you're dating, healthy relationships form when two people are in it together fully. He should take time to get over his ex, before involving another woman into his life.

In my opinion, since he can't give you what you need at this time. Perhaps, you should continue dating other men. It doesn't mean you two can't be friends with one another, but until he tosses his old baggage, it's not going to be fair to you.

Plus, just a thought. Having physicial intimacy with a man usually connects/bonds women with thier mate. So, while you're becoming attached to him, he isn't neccasairly providing anything back. If it were me, I would wait to be in a committed relationship before allowing myself to give the emotionally/physically/mentally aspect to an unattached man.

Are you sure he isnt married still? have u been to his house? are you able to call him? anytime?

I'm fairly certain he's divorced...I have his home phone number and he sleeps over my house every week. I just wonder if he's dating someone else. But if that's so, why see me? I feel alot better then I did earlier today just talking all this out and getting feedback -- I guess I needed a little strength today. I think i've been ignoring all the red flags with hopeful thinking because I really like him. i have no problems getting dates, I get asked out all the time. Why I would get so hung up on the unavailable one is beyond me.....



Are you sure he isnt married still? have u been to his house? are you able to call him? anytime?

Thank you -- that made so much sense.....and you are so right. I wish now I had waited on the intimate part -- I must have jumped in with that too fast..
I am going to continue dating I think, and I do think he needs time. Do you think I should tell him that I think we should just be friends until he feels he's ready for a more committed relationship? I know it's going to hurt, but it really isn't healthy for me to feel like this and I don't want to lose him, but I don't want things the way they are now either ....i'm so glad I came here...

You ask: him that I think we should just be friends until he feels he's ready for a more committed relationship?" No. He'll be convinced you're playing games. That's you're bluffing. I'd act very cheerful, slightly distracted,
like he isn't your end-all in life. By saying, "....until you're ready for a commitment" sounds pushy and passive=aggressive.
I'd say, if you Must talk about it at all, "I love being with you and I want to continue to be with you, ok? And I'm going to date others from time to time and hope you do also. I'll still feel the same way about you as I do now and I hope that, as you also date, you'll still LIKE me. OK?"
Man, that'll shake him up. I had one just like him once. Nice guy. But I was really just lonely. hee hee (takes practice). SG

Rebound is generally not a good place to start a serious relationship. And, you're right, being intimate just clouds your judgement. If what my guy friends tell me is true, they go through a pattern of playing the field, a period of self-imposed celibacy to reflect, before they can proceed to seek a serious relationship.

Self-loving prayers to you! Talk here and share the burden.

Marj

If what my guy friends tell me is true, they go through a pattern of playing the field, a period of self-imposed celibacy to reflect, before they can proceed to seek a serious relationship.

I think Marj is right. If this man really wanted more, he would make the effort. Something's "fishy" if he only sees you once a week and it's only for intimacy reasons. You may not be the only one he's being intimate with. :nono: My advice would be to focus on what would be best for you and your children. Would you want this man around causing pain and heartache for you, and eventually the little ones? I know it's not always easy to let go of someone you care about, but give yourself time to get "over" him.

Be strong, and remember to take some time to get to know who YOU are and find out what makes YOU happy. And date around- have fun. You just got out of a relationship. Wait a while before settling down again.

Thank you so much everyone -- I really need to hear all of this. I feel much better today -- the week before last week I was really trying to end it with myself emotionally -- I was doing a great job, I didn't email or call him...and I wasn't expecting to hear from him....then he calles me last wednesday 3 times, (there went all that emotional progress out the window) stays over and things were so GREAT, as far as communication and everything....left thurs morning and not a word from him since, as per usual. I guess I was hoping things would have been different. Now I have to start with all the emotional stuff all over again, but I'm through the weekend almost....I'm taking ALL of your advice, I'm going to continue to date AND somehow relay to him i'm not going to be intimate with him as things stand now. At this point it might be best if I just didn't see or hear from him, i'm not going to initiate any contact, and if I don't hear anything from him it would probably be for the best anyway. What I still don't understand is Why he still wants to see ME if he's with someone else. Maybe it's the rebound thing, Idon't know. I'm telling ya.....





If what my guy friends tell me is true, they go through a pattern of playing the field, a period of self-imposed celibacy to reflect, before they can proceed to seek a serious relationship.

I think Marj is right. If this man really wanted more, he would make the effort. Something's "fishy" if he only sees you once a week and it's only for intimacy reasons. You may not be the only one he's being intimate with. :nono: My advice would be to focus on what would be best for you and your children. Would you want this man around causing pain and heartache for you, and eventually the little ones? I know it's not always easy to let go of someone you care about, but give yourself time to get "over" him.

Be strong, and remember to take some time to get to know who YOU are and find out what makes YOU happy. And date around- have fun. You just got out of a relationship. Wait a while before settling down again.
:rolleyes:

"What I still don't understand is Why he still wants to see ME if he's with someone else. Maybe it's the rebound thing, Idon't know. I'm telling ya....."

If your certain hes not married then hes there only for a booty call! Its great for their ego's if they can sleep with more then one woman! maybe you need to make an unexpected surprise visit to his house a few times! Watch for his reaction when you tell him you were in the neighborhood and thought you would stop buy. do this different days of the week and at different times. play detective here! if its really eating at you go find out if there is another woman! you may find there is more then one other woman! and thats not the kind of guy you want to be with!

Stay strong, sweetie. You're right- it's probably for the best, whatever happens. Good luck to you! :wave: