Hurting and Missing my EX...Advice? |
My bf and I broke up 5 days ago. We dated for 5 months and while it was not a "perfect" 5 months, things were GREAT. They were even great the day we broke up! I was thinking about how the past week had been the happiest week we'd had together. (I snowboard, and I recently got him interested, so we went 3 times together, including the day we broke up). So, long story short (as short as I can make it anyways), we got into a little argument on Sunday - I still can't decide if it was him over-reacting (as he tends to do) or me being out of line, but either way, it wasn't a break-up type fight. We were silent in the car on the way home, and once we park the car he paused for a minute and then said "this isn't working." My stomach just sunk. Granted, I know we aren't always on the same wavelength about everything, but things were going just fine!
So he proceeded to tell me that he feels like we're "opposites." Do opposites share the same taste in music? food? movies? do they get along with each other's friends? do they make each other laugh 24-7? I don't think so. He tried to bring our ages into play (I'm 24, he's almost 27). Again, irrelevant as far as I'm concerned. He told me he's tried for a while now to hold on but it just isn't working. I don't get it. The morning of the day we broke up we were happy, laughing, talking, making plans to do things together. These are not common signs that someone isn't happy.
So I packed up my stuff that i'd had at his place, and went to my apartment crying and wondering what just happened. I blame myself and keep telling myself if we hadn't gone out that day, we wouldn't have gotten into that argument and we'd still be together right now. I've asked him to explain it to me over this past week but none of his explanations really help. He says I came along at an awkward time in his life. He's got hang-ups w/ his life, his finances, his family, and had something else pictured for himself at his age. He had a 5 year relationship that ended sudenly a year and a half ago (she left him) and says he never really took the time to be alone with himself to figure himself out. It took him the 5 great months we spent together to figure that out? He says i'm an "incredible person" and doesn't regret a thing. It just seems like such a waste to me......I blame myself and keep telling myself I could have somehow prevented this.....I am feeling so alone and lost right now. I was used to seeing him every day and now not at all. I keep replaying everything in my head and nothing makes sense. We were happy! He even admitted to me in an e-mail today that he's found himself wondering several times this week "why this happened - we were so happy." but he also says he "thinks this is the best decision for both of us and we will see that in time." He thinks we can be best friends, but we can't date each other.......anyone have any advice for me? Does it sound like it happened because of something i did (or didn't do), or issues he has that are beyond my control?? I am torturing myself over this and I can't eat, sleep, or stop thinking about him!! HELP please :confused:
miss_prolixity 02-06-2004, 10:05 PM ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) kprau4601,
First, I want to tell you I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. It is one of the hardest experiences in life to deal with.
There's not really any easy answers to give, but I do know one thing. Hope is something we can carry on and look forward to.
I read your story about why your b/f broke up, but I don't want to analyze his feelings. Sometimes people go through life and make tough decisions, maybe this is one of them. But he might have to "let go" of something (you) to really appreciate what he had. I really do believe if this was meant to be between you, then he'lll come back. If it wasn't (which is hard to see now, I've been there, actually I still am) then maybe there is another road/path traveled upon that is better for you.
It will be a month this coming Monday that I've been broken-up with my ex. I too, thought we had an incredible relationship and this break-up came out of no where. He even said the night that we broke-up that he has tons of fun with me and that we get along great but I guess sometimes people get that itch that there might be something better mentality. Kindof like, "the grass is greener on the other side".
My heart does ache for you. I can symphathize with how you're feeling. How the days seem so long and nothing seems to matter. And to make matters worse, we analyze all the "what if's" or " I should've" all day long. But eventually there comes a time when we will get stronger and we will learn how to become a survivor. I truly believe that to feel the highest joys in life, sometimes we have to experience the tremendous lows, as I am sure this is one of them.
My thoughts are with you and just know you're in my prayers.
mothmin 02-07-2004, 04:19 PM sorry for your pain but... he sounds alot like me. I'm sure it's not your fault. I decided a few years ago, that I'm getting too old to invest time in something that might be doomed from the start...you know, NOBODY is fully honest when they first meet..."the honeymoon" stage and everything seems perfect, and then a few months down the road, suddenly, " I hate when you do that!" stuff. So I have a "red flag list" when I meet a girl I like, and if one of the flags come up, I say sorry this isn't working, and moe on...one of those things is I don't like to fight with girls, and that's enough for me to walk away from it. Maybe he has a similar list ? But any how don't beat yerself up, I'm sure it's his hang up... good luck.
harbr 02-07-2004, 07:36 PM hey kprau - chin up!
I have gone through the SAME issues with my bf. One day we had an argument in the car, when he paused the car to drop me home, he told me 'things aren't working out between us, we are two different people'. although just like you I thought we were a great match, even though we did have our differences (otherwise things would be so boring)
To make a long story short, we gave each other some space for a couple of days, then I insisted that we give it a "2nd try". Everyone knows, the first break-up usually doesn't take. This was in August, and we are still going out. There is still some friction between us, but we're working on things.
I'm not writing all this to show&tell my life, but I'm doing it to sympathize with you. If you really like him, try harder. If you already haven't done so, ask for a second chance, tell him instead of breaking up, we'll spend sometime apart (this is hard too, but it's lesser of the two devils).
Also, don't bother with explanations. Sometimes there just is none. You'll only end up blaming yourself for all that happened. It's not your fault that this happened.
Good Luck!
kprau4601 02-09-2004, 10:28 AM UPDATE
OK I don't know what the deal is now. I stopped over to my ex's apartment yesterday afternoon to pick up some money i lent him....thinking i was just going to be there real quick and then leave. well i ended up being there about 7 hours! He asked if i was gonna hang out, and a little while later asked if i was hungry. We broke up on superbowl sunday and he had been promising me pizza for like 3 weeks before that (I have been trying to eat healthy so it was going to be my little reward) - so i never got my pizza last sunday...so i say "well, i never did get to have pizza." so he orders me one and goes and picks it up for me and everything. We watched tv mostly, but he would do things like tickle me, or put his head on my leg or put his leg out and rest it on mine. he even gave me a shoulder rub for like a half hour. at one point he was laying and sort of hugging me and resting his head on me. of course every time he would apologize, but the point is that he still did it....so he obviously felt that it was right and that he wanted to. him trying to cover it up with "sorry," doesn't mean anything to me. he is obviously confused and not sure what he wants right now. it is obvious that there is attraction and chemistry between us. i dont see how we can be just friends if this is how he is going to act....
i wrote him a 10 page letter, i just needed to do it for me. it explained how i feel about him and how special the past 5 months have been. it felt good to get it all out. when i left his place last night i left it for him to read. so at this point, i have no idea what he is thinking or feeling and how the letter made him feel. i am praying that it is making him think and making him see just how much i appreciate him and want him in my life. of course i am not going to get my hopes up just yet....but we will see...... :angel:
kprau4601 02-09-2004, 01:37 PM UPDATE 2
OK here I am again. Well, my ex wrote me an e-mail this morning about the letter I left for him last night. He read it, twice actually. I know it affected him in some way, but he is still sticking to his decision. He apologized for doing anything to lead me on yesterday, and he wants so much for us to be able to hang out and be comfortable with each other. I now know that it is going to take a LOT of time - if it even gets to that point at all. I have also come to terms with the fact that I KNOW i could not have done anything to prevent this. He has issues in himself, issues with his own happiness that have prevented him from opening up to me. He probably thought being with someone would help him get thru these issues, but he realized that it is only making it more difficult. After all, if you are not happy with yourself, you cannot be happy with anyone else.
We are going to try and be friends for now. But it will take some time. For now, I have to do what is best for my own well-being. I am not going to contact him or anything. If he wants to talk, he can contact me. I am going to try and focus on myself and what I need. It is going to be a hard couple weeks - especially hard this weekend because it is Valentine's Day, but I am going out with a bunch of single friends, so it should be a good time. I guess I should just be thankful that this didn't happen a year or more into our relatonship. And while I am giving up "hope," for now, I do realize that if we are meant to be together, we will be. And if not, then I will find someone else. Is it wrong to hope that he doesn't? ;) I know everything will work out for the better. I am going to try and be strong, and I think I can do it. Thank you all for your support and words, it helps more than you know. :p
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