Need advice please, I can't stand my mom...

That must be very difficult to have a mother who is a negative person. It's not fun to be around someone like that. I don't know if she's trying to be a perfectionist or maybe has negative feelings about herself so she feels the need to be negative toward others to make herself feel better or what. My advice would be to distance yourself from your mother for awhile. Have you ever told her that it's not fun to be around her because she's always saying something negative and making you feel bad? I don't know if it's possible to make her change. She'd have to want to change herself. Could you tell your mother that you're busy with your new baby and can't talk on the phone as much? Another thing you could do is when she makes certain comments, especially about your baby, if she's at your house, tell her you won't stand for comments like that and ask her to leave if she can't be nicer. If you're at her place, tell her you're going to leave if you hear more comments like that. I don't know if this would work for you or not. Obviously you know how your mother is so you'd know how she'd react and if it would be good or bad. I wish I had some better advice. Good luck!

This is a perfect place to bring up all types of relationship problems! I'm really glad you brought this up, because I've had similar problems with mine that are slowly being worked out, one tedious step at a time.

My mother was a first child. I'm her first child. She was the town princess and reputation of her beauty and capability went beyond county lines. I was an ugly duckling and had few friends growing up. She married into a wealthy family; my father did not have much of his own, but my grandparents treated her like she was their own. I didn't have much confidence in my ability to meet a good mate, so was motivated to be successful on my own...

All of my life, I've felt like the outsider in my own family. My mother would compare me to her friends' children (who were always better in her eyes) out loud, boast of her 'sacrifices' to make our lives good, be within earshot when she would talk to others about how my brother and sister are important, etc with no mention of me. In fact, I was a nobody until I graduated with my professional degree. Even so, whenever I would make a suggestion, it was always wrong until others told her that it was, in fact, correct...

I struggled with this until I realized that she had her own insecurities/issues and it was my challenge to find them and confront them with utmost diplomacy. Often times, it was with humor in my father's presence (I'm his first child, which has spiritual privileges beyond compare. I know this, even though he never says a word about it.) Other times, it was when the opportunity arrive to point out the error in her thinking tactfully. I've had to become my own parent and source of wisdom because my parents were young when they had us. I was the guinea pig. The upshot of all of it is that after all the trials, heartaches, mistakes (HUGE ones that are truly shameful and beyond embarrassment), I'm really happy with the way I turned out. And I've found a godly/wonderful/hot/sexy man to share my life.

There is a lot of art to sorting out all of the issues (hers and yours) and even harder to get beyond the automatic defense mechanisms that have been erected through the years. The next time she makes a mean comment about your child, talk to the baby and say, "I'm sorry, baby. Grandma didn't mean that to hurt you. She's unahppy about something today, but she hasn't told us yet." See if she opens up. She might have a few more rude comments at first, but you can break through those walls. Brick by brick.

Best wishes to you through all of this for a lifetime of love with your family.

Marj

Thank you both for the replies. You've made good points and given me ideas of how to deal with her> I really appreciate it. Something has got to change.

Thakns again for the advise :)

I know what you are going through. Last year I got mad at my mother because she can never tells the truth or admits her mistakes/faults. She said something so mean in front of my husband and teenage daughters that my 18 year old daughter came to my defense. I was in such shock that I was momentarily at a loss for words. (You expect evil things from your enemies, but not from your own mother)

I did speak up and then I did not speak to her for months. It was her who called me and asked a dumb question like nothing had happened. It took awhile, but we are speaking. I think she learned a lesson, but who knows. It is hard to teach an old dog new tricks.

I think these mothers know which kid they can be nasty to and get away with it and which would not take it. The advice you have gotten from the messages before are excellent. It is hard to speak back because you are just so hurt and shocked that your own mother is saying this to you. They are supposed to be so loving and supportive. But when you think back you realize that they were rarely loving and supportive. That they were always worrying about themselves and their own good time.

I realize that my mother is jealous of how I am with my kids. That I am a better mother than she was to me. Her greatest compliment to me was how she wished that I had been her mother. I did not have the heart so say I wished the same for myself. (I should have said it, because she would not have hesitated saying it to me, but I am just not that kind of person.) Perhaps this is what is bugging your mother. That she sees how great of a mother you turned out to be and it is eating away at her. Her remarks are that of a jealous person who is just trying to bring you down and rob you of the joy you receive from your new son. Don't let her win!

Boy, I can relate to this post! I am currently taking a breather from my mom. She verbally abused me as a child, and I felt like I was still being abused as an adult. In the last year or so, haven't been able to brush off her hurtful comments and speaking up for myself just made her worse. I decided to space myself from her until I feel I can handle her again. It's been sadly amazing how I don't miss her or care what she's doing. I'm just glad she hasn't had the chance to say something hurtful or abusive to me. A few years back, I asked her if she would go to counseling with me, and she refused. I felt like my only choice was to distance myself from her. Maybe one day I'll miss her and decide to try and deal with her again, but right now I can't ( or maybe just don't want to).

Oh My God! I thought I was the only one who had your problem. I can totally relate to what your feeling. I felt like you Wrote my words!
There is help at there...
Ok, so what did I do to get over my feelings towards my mother.

First I went to conseling (sp?)
On my very 1st visit my counselor said to me I have two choices: I can write my mom a letter tell her exactly how I feel/felt and then say good bye to her OR accept her. Well..I couldn't write to her and tell her how I felt because she would still say It Was Me...All in MY HEAD. I was a crazy child etc.etc.etc.
I couldn't say good bye to her even though I hated her..heck she's my mom right. I chose to accept her. Sure easier said then done.
Just because she is your mother doesn't mean you have to like her. You love her cause she is your mother. No one ever said you have to LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
"I was" 35 years old at that time, divorced, raising a small boy who was 8 at that time, stuggling to make ends meet which MY mother was No Help at all with $, babysitting, moral support, NOTHING! She's old world Italian her idea was for me to find a Man any Man didn't matter if he was rich or poor, ugly, handsome just as long as I had a man because without a man "I" was nothing!

Anyway when I left that that 1st night of therapy I cried so hard but also felt at peace. I couldn't change her or make her like me.
I didn't like her, she was mean to me my entire life. I never did anything right
Let me tell you my first conversation with her after my therapy - We didn't have One Fight, one disagreement, one negative word from her to me..BECAUSE I didn't give Her any reason, didn't let her into MY WORLD. I spoke to her nicely, when she asked about me I just said Oh everything is fine I kept my life at a distance from her gave her what SHE wanted to Hear..I felt so grown up at that moment. I have to add another freigthing expereince to this: A few weeks later again in a telephone conversation
(she was living 600 miles away at this time) it was something about my brother's upcoming wedding and my mom was asking if my son would be traveling with me casue she wanted to see him/miss him (since when?she never cared about my son before) I told her NO he is not coming, I can't afford his plane ticket, I can afford 1 plane ticket so I will be there. I also made a few other comments cause it must have been the tone in my voice that out of No Where my mother tells me HOW PROUD she was of Me, How grown Up I was, How smart I was, and when we ended the phone call she told me she loved ME! The funny thing was I didn't care anymore. I didn't care that she was Proud of Me I really didn't. "I" was proud of me and that was good enough for me. That was 6 years ago, now my mother is always asking me for Advise! I still don't like her probably never will cause she Has Not changed a bit but I can tell you I have changed for the better cause
the little girl in my 41 year old body doesn't need her mommy.
Accept your mother as she is, be aware of it and when she gets negative
know in your heart You are a good person. I have lots of friends, parents of friends who love me and treat me like there own, I am now successful no more struggling with $ but if I do I know how can survive. OH and my now 15 year son - he is the greatest teenager in my eyes and we are so close!
Thanks for reading, hope this helped and sorry it's sooo long..

Your mother has self esteem issues, at least if she's like my mother. She looks for faults in others because she sees so many in herself. It took a long time for my mother to realize what she had done. When her father died, she told us that he had been verbally abusive to her and had never told her that he was proud of her. From that time on, she made an effort to change her behavior. I had pulled away from her for awhile, but now we have a decent relationship.

I feel for you... things are the same way with my father & I. When I was young things were always really good between us, I used to love doing things with him. But, as I grew older & became a teen things changed drastically. He is bi-polar & has had episodes in the past, but none that I clearly remember as I was only 3 at the time. I always remember him as having a temper now & then, but he never would take it out on a particular person. But when I was a teen he started to take things out on me all the time, even if I had nothing to do with it. It was very hurtful being 1 of 6 children & always getting the bad end of the situation. My sis who is 2 years older then me was always doing things that she wasn't supposed to, but they didn't seem to care or do anything about it. But me, I was a different story - I got in trouble for everything I did & I wasn't even a bad child. I think the worst thing about me, honestly, is that I didn't do too well in school - I have learning & testing problems that my bright school didn't even test for till I was a Sr in high school about to graduate - real helpful. Anyway, my father even tried to convince me when I was 16 that I am BP as well & made me see a shrink who tried to put me on anti-depression meds that I didn't need! The whole thing was absurd & after a few months I refused to go see her anymore. I met my BF while going thru all of this at 16 & he was the only one who seemed to understand & he was there for me all the time. When I was 17, my sis & I got in a stupid fight over a sweater, she ran upstairs & slamed the door in my face. I started banging on it to get her to open it, but my father came running from his room at me. He grabbed me by the neck, threw me against the wall & started to lift me up. I was so scared, crying & screaming... sis came out & saw what he was doing & started to cry so he let me go. I have never looked at him the same again, he claims to this day that he appologized for it - but he NEVER did! He did more then that & since my parents were splitting up, I somehow was always caught in the middle of their fighting. It was really crappy, but we got thru it.

Now, I choose not to include my father in my life for obvious reasons... but my family is very aggravating - they just don't understand how I feel & honestly, I don't think they really care very much. They all know what happened, but they still think that I am wrong for not talking to him or ever seeing him unless I have to (like at family functions). For a long time, I didn't even go to family functions that he was going to be at, I wouldn't go up to visit my gram if he was there, I wouldn't go to my other sis's house if he was there. They all got really mad that they never saw me or talked to me & thought that I was keeping my daughter from all of them - but it had nothing to do with that! I don't even know why they would think something like that.

Anyway, I think it's up to you how you choose to live your life & who you choose to have in it. It's your life & you should be happy. You could limit the amout of time you spend with her & talk to her. If you are on the phone & things start to get heated, just calmly tell her that you are tired of fighting with her & you don't want to get into it again, so you would rather let her go for the moment & try to talk again later. If she continues to act the same old way, just keep limiting your contact. She should get the hint eventually & if she doesn't, then it's safe to say that she has been this way long enough thru her life that she is not going to change.