How do I end this affair?

Agatha,
Dear your in a tight spot.An even tighter spot because you've been having an affair with a close friend of your husbands.I would be concerned that if you ended the affair,the guy would try to destroy your marriage.I say this due to the feeling that the other man has developed a strong attachment to you and dont want to let you go.I would say you have a few choices..

1)Proceed to end the relationship again and it successfully end with OR without the man causing conflict.

2)Come clean with your husband open up the communication barriers and tell him why you started having the affair.Ask him to go to marriage counseling so you can work this out

I cant judge you,I wouldnt judge you...had it been me I would of found other ways to add the spice back in my marriage before opting for an affair.Its emotionally painful to not get that tenderness from a mate but its damaging to suffer the consequences of cheating.I truly think your up chit creek without a paddle.

Jasmine

Agatha, I agree with Jasmine. A lot of women suffer from the lack of attention from their mates married or bf or GF. This is very damaging in a relationship. But by experience, I would seek professional counseling and/or minister counseling before I would give up on my marriage. Sometimes things can be remedy just by letting the person know how you feel and what is lacking in your marriage. If this does not work, get out of your marriage before it happens again. Because if you are not getting attention at home, you probably will seek it again from someone else. But I certainly would end this affair, seek help, and then if it can't be worked out, please get out of your marriage before long drawn out consequences. So much hurt is and will be involved. The longer you pursue this affair, the worse it will be on everyone. It will eat at you every day of your life. I hope you don't have children! Let us know, Badgirl

No need to bring it up with your husband.He probably already knows anyway.Keep your friendship.JUST SAY "NO" TO SEX! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/nono.gif

Maybe you could try to set your husbands friend up with another girl .

[This message has been edited by dsheldon3 (edited 12-14-2002).]

Oh man - this sounds like a hard spot. I hope you can end things quietly and just sort of let the outside relationship taper off.

Is your lover married? I assume that he is not. I too would worry that your lover would make problems for you in your marriage if things don't go his way.

I would vote for not telling your husband. No need to inflict pain if it can be avoided.

Good luck.
Bruce

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

Agatha77~
You are really in a tough position. I also think that the other guy will tell all since he doesn't want to end it. I have often tried to figure out what happens in a marriage that makes spouses have affairs. I have been cheated on and was in the dark (although everyone else knew) I don't know if things would have ended any differently if he would have come clean before I finally caught him (and left him- 8 months pregnant!). I just think that regardless of how horrible your marriage may seem, you do owe him some answers. I hope that you will tell him everything (especially what made you crave this sort of attention but be careful where you place the blame). Hope it will all work out for you. I know that sometimes we say we would know if our spouses were cheating but that isn't always the case. I also know that we often say we would never put up with our spouses having affairs, but I have friends who have "lived through" affairs with their spouses with a lot of counselling and work. Best of Luck to you!

Yikes, this is a tough one!

Regarding the weekly get-together, can you find something else to do at the time you're both supposed to meet up with him - some sort of regular commitment that takes you away? Perhaps you could do some volunteer or casual work or take up a course in something. Just something like that, that wouldn't look suss to your husband? And after a while perhaps it will just become the two of them as friends and not the three of you.

And to end the relationship with the other guy gently, just really gradually start tapering things off with him so it's really gentle? Start filling up your time with commitments and becoming unavailable - just for a few months until the relationship dies a natural death from neglect. I think a little sweat and hard labour in the short term is worth it. Or do something that makes him want to dump YOU. Like become a slob around him or just generally change and become someone that turns him off.

I agree it might not be a good idea to tell the hubby because there is a good chance it will destroy the marriage you have decided you want to keep.

I just want to end the affair and put it behind me and never look back. I just don't know how to do this.

What part don't you know how to do? Just tell the guy that you don't want to anymore....

But all I can say is that this other guy gives me so much affection and attention and makes me feel so loved.
Of COURSE he does. He's getting free sex with no stings. How convienient for him. You're being used. If you wouldn't have sex with him, how great of pals do you suspect he'd be? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

Listen, nearly any guy would do what this guy is doing. I think you're deceiving yourself if you think this other guy is great. He's not. He's a liar and a sneak (and so are you). What great traits...I'm not saying that to be mean, just honest. You're both lying and deceiving a person who you both claim to love.

All marriages hit the spots you're talking about. All relationships get to a point where you've heard all the stories and things settle into a normal pattern. Some people take this as a sign that the relationship is going sour and start looking for other people to fill this need.

If I were in your shoes. I'd tell the other guy that you are through with this deception. Then I'd spend that time trying to figure out ways to make the relationship that I have better.

It can work out even seeing him all the time. I worked at the same place everyday with my ex-husband. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Agatha77, I had to go the other day, something came up while I was in the middle of answering your post. My story: I was married for about five years when I became involved with someone at work. This lasted for about six months. He wasn't married. He just caught me at a bad time when I needed attention from my husband. Anyway, he would call me at work and we would meet at work and his place. I will never forget the last time I saw him. I couldn't believe it. He was talking marriage and I thought to myself what was I doing to him, myself, and my husband. How selfish could I be. What was wrong with me. Someone could even get hurt or killed in the process. This was not the actual person I was morally or biblically. So I decided to end it, because I knew in my heart I wasn't going to leave my husband, I loved my husband and I really just thought of the other guy as someone who could give me attention, nothing else. I finally woke up. So the way I ended it was I didn't answer any of his calls at work or see him again. Boy am I glad. Best thing that ever happened to me. My husband never did find out. So anyway I am older and wiser now. No more involvements for me, this was pure hell!! Good luck and God Bless, Badgirl

Agatha-

A friend of mine was the other man in an affair that lasted for years. The married woman initiated it and always said wanted the meetings, etc., so my friend just kept it up. He needed the contact with a woman, but now he regrets it terribly. It kept him from dating available women during his entire 20s. He missed the best time of his life to develop a real relationship that would last. Now he's 39, never married, and although he's never said as much to me, I bet he wishes he could get that time back. He didn't have anyone to take home during the holidays, to take out with friends, etc. So, do this guy a favor and tell him you are ending it for his good as well as yours. He needs to be with an available woman, not a married one.

I really hope things go smoothly. Saying no does help, but explaining why you are saying no, that it's in his best interests, and sticking to that should go a long way. My friend did that and the married woman finally focused on her marriage and got counseling. I suggest that for you two as well. Whether you tell your husband or not, I can't address. Maybe you should see the counselor separately and as a couple??

TTT

No, no. I disagree with not telling him. There's a couple reasons for this, but for starters...

asking how to stop an affair is like asking how to quit smoking. You quit smoking by not putting the damn things in your mouth.

You quit an affair the same way.

You should tell your husband. I can see this guy possibly getting jealous or insulted if you refuse to pursue it with him (I think he knows you're weak, as you put it, and would be apt to start manipulating you to keep getting what he wants) ... consequently I can see him turning around and coming clean to your husband about it.

If you were your husband, which would you rather hear? "I'm sorry I betrayed you, I still love you," or "guess what, I was screwing your wife?"

The point here being that you'll be in trouble either way, and to assume your husband won't find out is terribly naive. You need to tell him yourself, he needs to know this before you can fix your relationship.

Go for counselling. If he won't go with you, go alone. You sound like you suffer from a lack of self-esteem that means that you need someone else to validate your self-worth as a person and that this is something detrimental to your marriage. Seek help to get around it because without getting around it you'll never be able to resist him for long.

Have you talked to this other guy about how you feel? Everyone is assuming that he'll get pissed off and tell your husband if you break it off with him. I don't think that's necessarily true. Of course, it could happen but not necessarily. I think you should talk to the guy, tell him how you feel. See what he says. I mean, you don't have too many choices, do you? 1. Either keep on having the affair, 2. break it off and tell your husband, 3. break it off and don't tell your husband and take a chance he finds out, 4. talk to the guy and see how he feels since avoiding him doesn't seem to be an option. If he is truly a friend then he won't cause trouble.

Hi Aggatha,

I know exactly what you are going through, I, myself am going through the same thing. After being married for 5 years I never thought I would cheat on my husband, but I was experiencing the exact same feelings as you, I felt that I wasn't getting the attention that I needed. I never planned for this to happen but it did, and yes I feel very guilty about it too, but like you said he makes me feel so much better, he makes me feel really special and loved. I also know in my heart that this is totally wrong, and have also tried to end the relationship a couple of times unsuccessfully. The times I have tried to end it, I've been unable to stop thinking about him, I just crave his tenderness so bad that I have to give in. Now we don't see each other as often but I am constantly thinking of him. I am sorry that I cannot give you much advise, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. Hope we can help each other! ( by the way you can read my first post "need to confess" I posted it some time back because I didn't know who I could talk to, however no one replied, I guess because I wasn't asking for any advice. I just wanted some feedback.) Good Luck!
Deedee

I think you should come clean with your husband. Its rough, sure, and you're taking a big chance with your marriage, but I think by not telling him you're being selfish. You aren't worried about hurting him, you're worried about being alone.

Tell your husband. Ask him to attend marriage counseling with you. And listen to how he feels. This is no longer about you & what you feel like you're missing. This is going to be about him and his feelings of betrayal. Yes, you should both state clearly what you'd like to see happen in your new relationship, but you've had your fun. Now its time to pay the piper.

Originally posted by chinchilla:
Yikes, this is a tough one!


I agree it might not be a good idea to tell the hubby because there is a good chance it will destroy the marriage you have decided you want to keep.


So she should decided whether this marriage goes on or not? What about him? Put yourself in his shoes.,,I say put it out there, you should both have the opportunity to decide whether you'll stay married or not.Don't just put it away.,,it'll come back to haunt you.

Shouldn't have started in the first place.

You made your bed now lie in it.

I'm sorry I've taken so long to respond back. I want to thank each and every one of you for your posts. (Well, except for one that was clearly just a snide remark - that one is pretty easy to pick out.) But the rest of you gave me some really insightful advice and I truly appreciate your input. I'm grateful that there are people out there willing to try and help someone that they don't even know, willing to help someone whose actions haven't shown much chararcter. I spent a lot of time reading over the postings and really weighing my options in this matter. (Oh and to answer a couple of questions that were posed - no, my husband and I don't have children and no, my lover is not married or involved with anyone else.)

So I wanted to give you an update. Yesterday I had a serious talk with this other guy in my life and let him know that it has to end for good this time. I'm happy to say that he has no intentions of ever revealing the affair to my husband. I really think I can trust him on that issue (largely due to the fact that he knows how violently my husband would react if he did find out). However, I'll have to wait and see if his behavior is going to change towards me as I've asked him to. I've told him I need him to stop pursuing me and just be my friend. I've also told him that if he continues to behave inappropriately when we're alone that I will have to stop spending any time alone with him. Actually, limiting my time alone with him would certainly be helpful in making sure nothing starts up again regardless of his behavior towards me. So I'm going to try to only be around him if my husband or someone else is there too. I'm just hoping he doesn't make this difficult. I hope he'll help me to do the right thing by just being my friend and not trying to set the affair back into motion. I'm trying to be a stronger person than I was in the past. I'm determined not to give in to him again. Many of your posts just confirmed the fact that I have to end this and that's what I'm sincerely trying to do.

Some of your opinions differed as to whether I should confess the affair to my husband. Even within myself, I've felt torn on that issue. Part of me has wanted to confess just to get it out in the open and to possibly rid myself of some of this guilt. Part of me knows that he has a right to know the truth. But the larger part of me is much too scared to be that honest with him. I'm too afraid of losing him. Like I said before, I really do love him and want to be with him - not the other guy. I feel like all I can do now is to go on from this point in time and never be dishonest or unfaithful ever again. I don't want to ever risk my marriage again in the future. I've realized that my marriage means too much to me to put it in jeopardy just because I'm feeling a little short on attention or suffering from low self-esteem (as one of you pointed out).

I agree with those of you who recommended counseling and I plan on talking to my husband about that option. Earlier in the year, I had already told my husband how it hurt me that he didn't show me much affection and things improved a little, but not much. So I think our relationship could really benefit from counseling. I hope he'll agree to go. Keep your fingers crossed for me...and thanks again for all of the advice. Your posts encouraged me to try and turn my life around for the better despite the difficult situation facing me. I don't expect this to be easy, but I know it's the right thing to do.

OK kiddo. Thanks for giving us an update. I hope everything works out for you.

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

Agatha, sounds like you've learnt a lot from this and I wish you the best of luck with getting your marriage on track. I hope everything works out for the best. Counselling is definitely the best way to go to solve this affection problem with your husband.

Hi~
Glad that things are going ok for you. I just wanted to say that I really feel that you need to tell your husband. I think for you to ever be "free" in a relationship and able to give it your all, you have to have total honesty. I also think that it is being very unfair to him to keep him in the dark. Perhaps it would be best handled through counselling (individual --so you could ask for help on how to tell him, then together) I really wish you the best. I just don't want you to believe that you are moving on when you are just adding a "skeleton to the closet". Catching a spouse in a lie (even a little one) can really make you have trust issues.

How long have you been married to your husband? I think that if you can live with the guilt then don't tell your husband, but living with guilt is a hard thing to do,, so don't know if it would work in the long run as far as your emotional well being goes. Maybe if you tell him, it might not backfire on you.. he might get mad initially, but eventually he will cool off. He might then start thinking rationally and start wondering what he did to deserve this.. and maybe he will realize that he has not paid enough attention to you and from there things will change for the better in the marriage.
If you don't tell him, you might also be setting youself up to relapse into the affair with that other guy, afterall you have already said that you will still be seeing him, even though not as frequent and on a platonic basis, it still raises a red flag. I don't think he is completely out of your system yet and by coming clean with your husband it will give you the push needed to choose your husband .

It seems like you already know what you have to do. Telling your husband is a tough decision thats forsure I would be too afraid of him finding out from his so called friend that I would have to tell him. I just have a feeling this other guy isnt going to let go so easy. Telling your husband would get rid of all the worry about this guy telling him and also prove to the guy you were serious when you ended it. Not to mention your husband would probably take a round out of him. Keep us updated ok? And so you know I would never judge you or anyone else unless I was in your situation you know the saying people that live in glass houses shouldnt throw stones lol. Best of luck to you.

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Cheers
Autumn

I'm mostly just banking on the belief that he might find out on his own, just from ... well, from God Knows Who or Where.

And to know that you did that AND kept it from him, I think, is a double-blow you would be advised to spare him.

If you truly do love him and he truly does love you, he won't drop you over this, especially if he knows you still do love him and you ARE terribly ashamed of yourself. It will take time for him to learn to trust you again, but I do believe very strongly that you should tell him. As much as what he doesn't know shouldn't hurt him, when we're talking about sex, it CAN. (I'm thinking STDs, though I'm fairly certain the chance is slim, he still deserves to know.)

And your character and honesty is not only judged by the things that you do that are right, they're also judged by how you face up to the things you did that were wrong. And facing up to this and taking the consequences would be a very classy thing to do.

There's something to be said for class.

Maybe if you and your husband were not seeing this friend anymore and cut all ties with him somehow, i.e the two of you were moving to some other town or state or your friend was moving or if it was a situation in which you had an affair with someone who your husband didn't know of - I think in those circumstances it would be okay to not tell your husband what happened - BUT since your husband is still planning on seeing his friend in the future with you there right by his side, I think it is so utterly disgraceful and embarrasing that you not let your husband know what happened... Its like a double stabb to his back.

I think this would have to come out in therapy...at least if you want the therapy to work.

Agatha77, I think you are headed in the right direction. It want be easy!!!! Hooray for you. Good luck and God Bless your home!! Badgirl

Agatha77:

I don't know if you will check this again, being that it is a few days old, but I can tell you that I know exactly what you are going through. I was in the same situation about four years ago, and I can tell you things got really ugly! I made the decision to try to keep it from my husband, but it didn't quite work out that way. He found out and things got real ugly!! The only differnce with me is that my "lover" was also "married" he was living with her and she was 8 months pregnant with his baby!!! E-mail me and I will give you more details if you would like. I also didn't have anyone to talk to about this, and believe me it is real hard keeping it inside!!! I am very lucky that my husband has forgiven me and we are still together after all of that!!! I wish you the best of luck and God Bless. Either way it is not going to be easy!!!!